Baby really is becoming the center of my life, and he/she isn't even here yet!
It can be quite hard for people to understand, because I don't really look pregnant yet, but lots of things have already changed, my bodies changed, my breasts are bigger and a lot more sore, I still get sick at weird things (watching movies in bed with the lights off makes me feel very ill, I think that might be a sensitivity to motion sickness thing), my hips and lower back hurt from even fairly moderate walks, I keep getting headaches (which I can't take pain killers for), I need to pee a lot, I need to watch out for everything I eat, I can't drink or smoke (and there is nothing more un-interesting that going to a bar to watch other people drink, so that's a chunk of social life gone), I still get tired easily, and I don't want sex as much (mainly due to bleeding related fears).
It's also changed my thinking... normally I am massively flirtatious, I would pretty much define myself as poly-amorous (Coyote is very aware and accepting of this, though he does still get the occasional attack of the green eyed monster), but right now...I have never felt more monogamous. I need Coyote in a way I didn't before. I never used to get pregnant women who would stay with abusive partners (not that Coyote would ever hurt me, ever, ever. He is the epitome of kind and gentle) but now...now I think I kinda get it, suddenly you don't just have responsibility for yourself, but also a child, suddenly you feel so much more helpless, and it's so much more important not to be alone. And I have to admit that every day there is still a chunk of worry about what could go wrong, pre-eclampsia, still birth's, miscarriages, birth defects, premature labor...I really don't feel secure that my baby will be born alive and well. and also part of me is thinking about how my life will change forever, no more drunken nights binges (due to mental health problems, I'm pretty much going to have to quit booze for good), no more random trips to other parts of the country to visit people, no more days spent just sleeping and reading...I'm going to have to grow up a lot and my relationship with my parents will probably have to change (I've always had a very distant relationship with them, I see my mum once every 6 months, and my dad once every 3-4, we don't talk on the phone, I get on with my life, they get on with theirs) they're going to want to participate more in my life to see their grandchild, and I'm really not sure how I feel about that...
Though none of this changes for a second how much I am looking forward to being a mum and to getting to see my baby for the first time.
Oh, the fetal monitor turned up, I got it and some gel for about £30 off amazon. and it's pretty damn cool. Babies heartbeat takes quite a bit of finding, baby hides and moves around, but the two times I've used it so far I have managed to find it, and it's a very reassuring sound, and very awe-inspiring. it's also pretty weird to hear your stomach gurgling in great detail. I am trying hard not to use it every day, but it's really hard to resist, Coyote is very firmly not letting me use it as often as I like (which is about once every hour). I think so far it's a good thing I have it, though I am sure many medical professionals will disagree with me.
oh, and god damn it! I want to feel baby move! apparently it will happen sometime from now till 4 weeks time. all the descriptions I've had of the feeling aren't very helpful, maybe it's one of these things you can't really explain till you've had it happen, like sneezing. But I want to feel it now! but I know if I try to feel it, I'll just end up imaging something but it won't be real.
And I started this blog wanting to keep updating pictures of how baby looks like now, but ended up accidentally seeing horrible, upsetting anti-abortion pictures, hence the switch to random stuff that I happen to like. Sorry about that.
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