We've got the abnormalities scan on Monday, and I'm back to being scared. Not as scared as last time because baby has a nice loud heartbeat and has been kicking me really regularly. But I'm still worried that something is wrong with baby...It's probably really horrible thing for me to think and feel, but my big fear for baby is that baby will be mentally disabled in some way. Physically disabled I think I can cope with, caring for a child in a wheel chair isn't something that scares me, I wouldn't mind a child who had dwarfism, or that was blind or deaf (I already speak some sign language). but having a other wise healthy child that can't learn, or wouldn't want to hug me, that couldn't talk to me...that scares me.
I also think I might be having second thoughts about finding out the gender...I think I do want to know. It would be nice on an emotional bonding level, knowing if baby is a boy or a girl will help make baby more of a real person to me. On the other hand, it really doesn't matter to me what gender my baby is, it won't change the amount that I love baby (actually, extra secret thing, I would quite like a girl), but just because baby is a boy doesn't mean he will love football and want to wear blue, just because baby is a girl doesn't mean she will want dolls and wear pink all the time. So it really doesn't matter if baby is a boy of a girl, its a cliche, but it really only does matter to me is that baby is healthy. So maybe having a surprise at the birth would be nice...but I think on balance I do want to find out the gender. Partly so that I can start saying 'him' or 'her', which makes writing and talking about baby would be easier with a pronoun.
Baby is kicking me a lot now and if I have my hand on my stomach, I can feel it on my hand! Which is really lovely, but Coyote is getting jealous, because he can't feel it (it's probably because I can feel both at the same time so I can really tell, but because it's only a little feeling he can't tell yet). I'm glad that the midwife told me not to worry about not feeling baby kick all the time, because baby has days when he/she (see, a pronoun would be useful) moves around a lot...like I had an actual caffeinated cup of tea and then went to watch a tense movie at the cinema and baby obviously got all exited and kicked me through it. and then there are days when baby is sleepy and I barely feel it move at all. According to the midwife I really only need to start worrying about regular movement after 28 weeks.
I've had a couple of blue days recently, the first since I got pregnant, which is slightly worrying. I had hoped I wouldn't have any blue episodes through my pregnancy. But at least it didn't last long...and it did have a cause. I do this thing where I try not to think about things that are upsetting me, I even block out the emotion of the thing that I'm upset about. Most of the time it's not even on purpose, it just happens. But later these things sneak up on me and upset me and cause messy badness...I'm upset because...My step dad is ill. He has cancer and parkinsons...and I don't really know how to deal with it. I watched a good friend die of cancer and it was amazingly hard...and I'm not as close to my step dad as I should be because I had a lot of stupid emotional stuff going on when I was growing up, so even though he has always been amazing, I just didn't appreciate it or show it enough...and I don't know how to fix it now. And I don't know how to talk about it, or how to let myself feel about it...though I think the key to stop getting depressive episodes is to start talking about it...I figure this is a good start.
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