Week 32 day 2
On Tuesday it was a year since I had a miscarriage...and I forgot about it. In fact, me and Coyote spent the day celebrating Valentines early. We had a really great day out together in fact.
and now I feel guilty for this, though, not as guilty as I feel I should be, and then that leads to a different kind of guilt...I'm not as sad and depressed as I think I should be either. Loosing my baby last year was the worst and most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I cried so hard that I never thought that I would stop...
and yet a year later I'm able to forget the anniversary? what kind of a person does that make me?
But it's so hard to think of anything other than the baby that I'm carrying right now. Especially when the end is getting so close, and she's so persistently absorbing my attention (she kicks lots and lots and lots or has hiccups or decides to do somersaults) but how could I forget my other baby so easily? she was just as important to me, I never want to forget her.
This is probably a good thing? right? it means I'm moving on, I'm not dwelling on the past, I'm focusing on the very important future. It would be a lot worse if I was constantly thinking about the miscarriage.
I just wish I'd taken the time to remember, to do something to commemorate, to light a candle, to do something to show how much I cared, how much I still care. If Roseanne (what I decided to call the baby I lost) had been alive, she would have been about 3 months old...
It just really really sucks.
I've said this to you before, but it does get easier. And in your own way, but even writing down how you feel, you've proved that you HAVEN'T forgotten.
ReplyDeleteYou have the best thing in the world to look forward to. Focus on that, because it'll be wonderful.
You never forget...maybe you'll not remember anniversaries on the day, but you'll think of them before and after, and at stupid o'clock in the morning when you can't sleep, and when you're in the supermarket, or the shower, or watching tv, you remember them. You think of what they might be like now and how different your life may have been, but you never forget them
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