I suppose I've had a fairly strange relationship with my body. I used to have an eating disorder (not that you'd think that looking at me now) at my thinnest I was 7 stone and could count all of my ribs...and then there's the self injury, not much of my body is unscarred...and I've almost constantly changed my hair color and length...I've got tattoo's (11 of them) and piercings (10 right now, that number changes)...I genuinely occasionally forget what I look like.
So I thought that having a baby, and the changes to my body that that entails, wouldn't actually bother me...it came as a slight shock...that actually, it does kind of bother me.
My stomach is covered in stretch marks, and extra loose skin, my ribs have spread out a bit, and I'm sure my hips and bum are also bigger, my breasts are a lot saggier, my skin has got worse with many more blemishes...I look older and fatter and saggier...and it's upsetting. I used to be considered fairly attractive. I used to have a fairly small waist and big boobs...I used to get a lot of attention from men...now...I just don't feel sexy or attractive...and that matters to me. and it's upsetting. It just shouldn't matter to me. I have a lovely and healthy baby girl. That is what should matter to me...but I want the body I had when I was 18 back! and I know that will never happen. I need to loose some weight and that is a possibility...but the rest...this is the body that I'm going to have to live with now.
I actually didn't put on too much weight when I was pregnant, I was so sensible with my food that the weight shifted to the baby and I ended the pregnancy skinnier than I started it...but breast feeding made me so very very hungry, and when you are exhausted and hungry it's really hard to choose to eat a bowl of healthy porridge and a glass of orange juice rather than a pint of chocolate milk and a burger...That hunger is starting to go away, and I'm trying to get back to super sensible food (especially as I share so much with Tabitha). But it take a lot of work to loose weight, and even when I do, it won't make me look 18 again.
And the stretch marks will fade, but will never vanish (especially with the quantity I have now) and having a c-section after pregnancy means that I have a lot of saggy skin on my stomach which will not go away without surgery.
Breastfeeding hasn't made my breasts saggy, simply being pregnant has made my breasts saggy. My boobs grew a lot in the first trimester, and then grew even more as the milk came in (which happens to you even if you don't breastfeed)...and then they deflated...ugh.
Just Ugh...Coyote tells me I'm pretty, that I'm sexy and attractive. but I simply don't believe him.
I wouldn't change what happened for the world, Tabitha is amazing, and I am constantly in awe of the fact that I made her...but if I could have a magic wand...or a lot of money for plastic surgery...yep. gastric band surgery, liposuction and a boob job please!!!!
(my new tattoo, it's Tabitha's hand print)
Kat, You always look pretty!
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that body changes during/post pregnancy are startling, but they are positive, adult changes. Our bodies aren't meant to look like teenagers when they no longer belong to teenagers, that's just social conditioning - which I admit takes a lot longer to grow out of than the teenage body does!
Anyway, I think saggy breasts and belly and stretch-marks are like the medals soldiers receive after a successful campaign. Your body has done everything you asked of it and come out successful, still functioning, still beautiful, just different. And I know you are all in favour of being different, so am I.
You're already doing some of the right things to tone up the muscles and help them support the flab, swimming is great. And what about a bit of yoga? Great for toning and general fitness.
love, Sue x