Had a bit of a bump down to earth again after things having gone so well for so long.
I just had a panic attack, and I suppose I'm feeling at least a mild (for me) level of depression. It is such a silly thing... I've been doing so well, so I thought I was well enough to head to a mums and babies group to borrow a sling from a sling library...and it just all went slightly wrong...the group was very busy, with lots of women and small children running around, and where I was expecting the people to be friendly and welcoming...they just weren't...no one was rude or anything, but they did pretty much ignore me, no one said hello and no one even really tried to talk to me let alone being friendly even when I really made an effort to be friendly to them...
Going to this group had already taken an act of courage, so when it started going wrong the panic level rose, and I started feeling the almost overwhelming urge to run away and to burst into tears...and then trying to continue to interact with people when you're fighting tears makes you feel even more humiliated and scared...I managed to fight through for long enough to borrow a mei tai sling and then pretty much ran away home to sob my heart out. and next month I need to head back again to give the damn thing back again.
and now I still feel shaky and tearful, and stupid for letting it get to me...and scared to go out again.
and thoughts about the birth are still bothering me...
so I'm going to spend a bit of time really looking after myself, and not spending too much time dwelling about things.
but I am still doing better than I have ever been in my life. it's now been a year since I last self injured, and I'm still not drinking. things are still going well, I just need to be a little gentle with myself and keep hugging my beautiful daughter.
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