Depression.

I've had mental health difficulties most of my life (the first time I remember being suicidal was when I was in primary school). I've been officially diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. It's something that I've learned to cope with and just get on with my life, but even at the best of times depression and anxiety cloud most things I do...

(I'm not actually worried about whether or not my mental illness will affect my ability to raise a child, because I'm a nursery nurse, Coyote already has a son that I get along really well with, I've already helped raise one child with my ex, and my masters degree is in early years teaching...looking after babies and children is something that I love, that helps me be well, that helps me be happy. It's about the only thing that I am good at. Having a baby of my own is something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I know it won't be easy, but I'm pretty sure with Coyote's support and with my own coping strategies, I'll be fine)

When I was pregnant last time something strange happened, but I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, this time round, its happened again...My depression and anxiety have completely lifted. It's like the glue that normally clogs my thoughts and slows everything down has just evaporated, things that normally scare me, don't. I can think clearly and lucidly...its like a shroud has been lifted from my head...everything just feels better. I told my midwife about this and she presumed that I'm just happy to be pregnant (which I am), but its not just that, i'm not euphorically happy the whole time. as is clear in this blog, I've been grumpy, emotional, tired and sick. but not depressed, which is a completely different sensation. I'm starting to wonder if I've lived with a hormone imbalance all my life and never noticed. I am also keeping my fingers crossed that this continues. I would love to be the happiest, least postnatally depressed woman ever!