Babies.

week 18, day 4

I know a lot of women who just don't want to have children, a couple who when they got married their partners had vasectomies, they were that sure that they didn't want children. For me this is a massively alien idea, on a par with deciding that walking just isn't for you, so your going to voluntarily give it up and live in a wheel chair...it's a case of...well... OK, if that's what will make you happy, but it's not something that I could ever do. Don't get me wrong, on a logic level I do understand it, and I think that anyone who is that convinced that they don't want children, then they probably shouldn't. I can understand wanting to have your own life and not having to give things up for your children, it's a massive commitment and sacrifice, I can understand putting your career first and not wanting children to get in the way of that...but emotionally...I just don't get it.
I'm not sure I can explain why I just don't get it. But for me, a baby is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I can't even analyse it logically...it isn't the satisfaction of having something to love me and has to love me, I'm simply not that selfish, and I know my love for my baby will eclipse everything, and it isn't a genetic legacy thing either, my baby won't be me but in a different body, baby will be his/her own person, a wonderful little individual...so why do I want this so badly? Why can't I imagine my life without children? Maybe because the only thing I have ever been really good at is looking after children (seriously, with adults I'm tense and nervous until I get to know them really well, with kids, I can relax and have fun), maybe because the only thing I've ever really wanted to be is a mother (my poor dad, he always wanted me to be rich and successful, and honestly, I'd much prefer to be poor, married, a mother and happy). All I know is that I want this and need this, and could never be complete without this.