Work.

week 18, day 6

I really never meant to be out of work this long. Last time I was working, I was actually working towards a masters degree and EYPS (early years professional status, it makes you an extra glorified nursery nurse, turning you into a real educator rather than just a baby sitter), so I was working full time and also cramming two qualifications into a year...it was stressful, and then on top of that I ended up working at a nursery where I was very much resented (the owner of the nurser hated the fact that she was older than me, and had worked in a nursery for longer, but at the same time I knew more than she did, and it was my job as an EYPS to tell her where she was going wrong, when she thought she was perfect, and on top of all that I have a posh sounding voice and don't watch soaps...we didn't get on) I basically ended up being bullied. On top of the stress and the fact that I've always had mental health problems....I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. It was...bad...very bad...I won't go into detail, but I'm quite impressed that I'm actually still alive.  So then I was assessed by a doctor (apparently there were 15 criteria for qualifying for disability benefit with mental health problems, you need 10 to qualify and I got 14 of them) and put on disability benefit...
This was several years ago now...since then I've tried to get back into work...a couple of times I've been close to feeling well enough to start work again. but my life seems destined to be complicated and filled with things that put me back down on my ass again. Hard life events for anyone have happened (a friend dying of cancer, a long term relationship breaking down, a miscarriage...), and I just can't cope with them. Right now, with Coyote's help I am feeling better now than I have done in a long long while...and now I'm pregnant, I really can't imagine anyone giving me a job when I'm going to need maternity leave very soon, and with the big gap in employment, and with mental health problems...and now I'm starting to worry that I'll never be able to work again, it isn't like the market place is swimming in jobs, and I'm going to be caught up looking after baby...and then the gap will be even bigger, and the hours I'll be able to work will be very restricted...and then I start worrying that I'm going to be poor and unemployed forever...
I don't want baby to grow up poor...but I'm really not sure, at this point, what the hell I'm going to do about it.