Health visitor visit and other worries.

week 37 day 1

Had the pre-birth health visitor visit today, she seemed very friendly, asking lots and lots of questions and handing out lots of information on things like cot death, and nearby places to get support and immunizations and all that kind of thing.

I have to admit that I had a lot of worries about the health visitor...I worry that they are going to consider me a risk to my baby because of my mental health problems. It's something I've actually discussed a couple of times with my midwife, and she keeps trying to reassure me, but...the problem is that I would have "safe-guarding worries" about me if I was them. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Here is the DSM iv definition of it:

"A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:  

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. 

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. 

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior 

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). 

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness 

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) 

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms."

Yeah, that doesn't sound like a good combination to have with a small child around does it? especially as one of the 'area's of self damaging impulsivity' that I have is my drinking. My mood is chaotic, my relationships with people are all over the place, I self injure and have attempted suicide multiple times in the past and I get stressed and binge drink...it's all in my medical notes. That is not a good combination for a good mother. And the other fun thing about borderline personality disorder is that it is considered effectively un-treatable. It's a personality disorder, so it's considered to be something inherent inside me and nothing that I can control. Which means that it's also a diagnoses that I will never be able to escape from...

The thing is though...is that I would never hurt a child. As soon as I got pregnant I completely quit drinking and smoking, and I haven't self-injured for 10 months now. Mostly because I would never do anything that could hurt my baby (the rest of it is Coyote's continuing love and support). But I really worry that the health professionals won't see that bit, they'll see my past behavior and they'll see my diagnoses, and (fairly reasonably) alarm bells will ring for them. I feel like I will be scrutinized a lot more closely for any kind of mistake and that anything I do will be judged more harshly. I will have to keep proving myself over and over and over...I think I'll be OK with Coyote's help, I think things may be tough and that I may have slips, I have a lot of experience with looking after children, and I know from helping to bring up my ex's child that I can keep a lid on my crazy. I can be a good mother. But I don't know how you prove that to the world.

Logically I know that no one is going to sweep in and take away my baby (unless I really really mess up), I know the system just doesn't work like that...but it doesn't stop me worrying about it. and it doesn't stop the little voice in my head that says that they might be justified in doing it. After all, I might really really mess up, I've messed up a lot of things in my life. I might completely fail to cope with a new baby, I might crash into a depressive spiral, I might give birth and then start binge drinking 4 times a week and self injuring every other day...I don't have any guarantee's.

So I worry.