alcohol

5 months

I was never an alcoholic, because alcoholism is fairly rigidly defined, but I did have a problem with alcohol. When I was at my worst I was pretty much drunk every other day. I would drink to unconsciousness, spend the next day recovering and the day after that I would start drinking again. Any emotional turmoil or stress would cause me to drink myself into oblivion.
People would presume that I was drinking as a way of numbing my emotions, but actually I spent so much of my time numb and distanced from my emotions that i needed alcohol to dis-inhibited me enough to actually express and feel what my genuine emotions were. Being drunk would cause me to self injure, or i would get drunk to allow myself to self injure so i could actually handle my emotions the rest of the time. but the more i was drunk and cutting, the more i screwed things up with friends and family and my life, which then triggered me to binge and cut even more... it was a perpetual roller coaster that i couldn't seem to get off.

I've done lots of therapy and counselling and medications...nothing helped much...

but then I got pregnant, and completely quit drinking, and smoking and caffeine and came off my medication (it was not a fun week). And had over a year without a drop to drink.

Now I've started very very cautiously, occasionally having a drink again. and its really nice. its something i now have control over. I can have 1 glass of wine and then stop. I can wait till Tabitha is in bed and have 2 glasses, and then stop and not want more. just be happy feeling very slightly tipsy. Its not something I feel compelled to do, or something that once i start i can't stop. I let Coyote take a big controlling hand just in case i start to slip without noticing.

it is making dealing with some emotions difficult, because i simply don't feel i can show them sober. but i'm still dealing with that one day at a time. still feeling happier and more stable than i have in years. Tabitha has turned my life around.