love.

8 months.

I do think there is a lot of myth at work in the concept of the maternal bond. That you hold your baby and like a thunder bolt from the blue you have this magical connection with them...and I just don't really think that is true. I was so so happy seeing and holding Tabitha for the first time. I was so happy that she was safe and well, and i was happy that the pain was over and that i could finally sleep. But...Tabitha is a person, a little person that i had to get to know, and she had to get to know me too. How much time i spent talking to her in the womb and listening to her on the fetal Doppler helped, the process of getting to know her started early. but we still had to learn each other.

Its not like a thunderbolt, its more like a tidal wave that slowly builds and then sweeps you away with it.

I feel things very deeply and strongly. Its part of borderline personality disorder. no emotional grey areas. So this could effect just how strongly i feel for my daughter. But i love her just so very very much. Holding this little, warm and wiggly person makes me happier than anything else. To me she is perfect. Even at 3 am when she's refusing to sleep, she is still perfect. I love her smiles and laughs, i love the little games she plays by herself, i love her babbling and her little feet and hands, i love her round baby tummy...i just love her so much. so strongly...i literally run out of ways to describe how much i love her.

I asked Coyote when he first really felt the bond between him and Tabitha, and for him it was when she learned to smile, seeing her grin at him was what concreted that feeling, that made her more than just a noisy little creature to him. for me i think it was when i really got the hang of breast feeding, that i could make her full, provide for her, make her stop crying. She needed me, and i could feel that need.

The relationship you have with a baby is very different from any other relationship in your life. Most relationships are about give and take, a co-operative balance. Me and Coyote fit each other really well, our strengths and weakness' compliment each others, we are a team. Whereas with Tabitha she is completely dependent on us. but it doesn't feel like a burden. its easy being strong for her, because she pays you back in so many ways, every time she grins or learns something new it makes you so happy... its a massive cliche, but there is truth in it. having a child is like having your heart moving around outside your body. her happiness is my happiness. And spending so much time together, i know her so well now. it sounds strange, but i occasionally forget that she can't speak yet. i know her thoughts and feelings so well.

I would die for her if i had to. i would probably kill for her. She is just everything to me. She is the best thing i have ever done with my life.