Mouring

9 months
(Trigger warning: self injury. sorry)



It's Alex's funeral tomorrow...and I'm dreading it. I don't want any of this to be real, I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to acknowledge what has happened. I don't want to see everyone and end up crying, or worse, not crying. I don't want to feel scared and vulnerable. I don't know what to say to my mum, or how to make things better for her. I don't know what to do or say...I'm off script and feel lost. What if I say the wrong thing and make everything worse? What if I just can't cry and then everyone thinks I'm a monster? what if I do cry but I'm crying too much? I don't want his real kids to feel like I'm somehow upstaging them, or if my mum feels like she has to comfort me?

and I need to be there for Tabitha too, she doesn't understand what's happening, she's used to smiling at me and having me smile back, I can't make her feel bad because I feel bad, and she's going to want me to play with her...

and i'm having trouble sleeping. I'm exhausted and it has nothing to do with how much Tabitha is sleeping. When i do sleep apparently i toss and turn all night, and i wake up with my hips, neck and back hurting.

I don't want to go but i will never forgive myself if i don't.

Its times like this i really miss self injury. it would make this easier to deal with. I want to take a small overdose, just enough to make me feel really really sick to my stomach. Nausea would be much easier a feeling to deal with than what I'm feeling right now....don't worry, I won't do it. because if I did that I wouldn't be able to look after Tabitha, and I could accidentally really hurt myself.

I will be fine. it will be fine in the end. However bad everything feels I just need to ride it out, it's like a roller-coaster, you just need to cling on and wait for the bad bits to be over.

I'm just so so glad that I have Coyote and Tabitha. They just make everything better.