feeling a bit pants

She's nearly 1 year old!!!

I have come across a bit of a stumbling block that's shaking my confidence as a mum.

Since the rather disastrous occasion with the 'sling meet' I haven't been able to go to any mum and baby type groups. I've taken Tabitha to swimming lessons...but even that got too intimidating after a couple of sessions, and anyway Tabitha didn't exactly get any interaction with other children her age (i'm still taking her swimming, but just on my own)...i want her to have fun playing with other babies her age. i really do...but the concept of that kind of social interaction terrifies me...

I've had friends putting pressure on me about this...and it makes me feel like a terrible parent. it makes me feel selfish for even having a baby when i have these problems. because this isn't going to go away. i'm going to find social interactions difficult for my whole life, especially in situations where i worry i'm going to be judged...

any way. i talked to my health visitor about this in December and she arranged for someone to call to help me 'access the sure start centers'. i had honestly thought they had forgotten about it (and was somewhat relieved). but I got a phone call from the sure start center with someone following up, wanting to come over to my house to talk things through with me to see how they could help...

yeah...it didn't feel helpful. it didn't help she was obviously worried about where we are living not being baby safe (we have 3 peoples things in 2 rooms, we have no space and can't get everything out of her reach, but this will solve itself when we move house) and kept on going on about it. suggesting classes on healthy eating didn't help. asking pointed questions about if i ever leave the house with her and then being surprised when i said every other day, and making comments about the lack of toys and books we have for Tabitha (they were in the other room, the lounge room we were in gets cold in winter so nearly all of her toys and things are in the bedroom where she plays most of the time because its more baby safe and warm)...the whole thing felt condescending and made me feel like a pathetic failure.

i do think its really important that Tabitha spends time with other children. so I've arranged to go with her to a stay and play thing next Thursday...but i'm now dreading it.

i'm honestly starting to think about going back on anti-depressants.

(i know, how can i be sad looking at that face)