Happy mothers day to me!!! and how we got a well behaved child

23 months (after next month i will switch to years rather than months)

I had a very nice mothers day, with new pajamas's and a couple of Disney movies and a lovely card. and a lie in!!!! My coyote and daughter are wonderful.

This post could be absolute hubris and be tempting fate...Tabitha could turn over night into a screaming tantruming monster...still...

I have got a fair number of comments about how Tabitha is a really well behaved, how she sits nicely in restaurants and eats her food well and doesn't tantrum often. so here is how i think we have achieved this (other than random luck of DNA of course).

1. we compliment much more than we criticize: we are constantly tell Tabitha what she is doing well. that shes listening well, being gentle or kind or helping. we tell her we love her and that she is kind and clever and beautiful and is a good helper and tries really hard at things and that she's such a good girl. its easier for children to behave well when they know what the should be doing rather than just what they shouldn't be doing.
2. we don't sweat the small stuff: if whatever Tabitha is doing won't hurt her or damage something we care about. then we don't care. if she wants to put her peas in her water glass or eat a mouthful of non toxic paint, then fine. it won't do any harm.
3. we don't stress about food: its really easy to get worked up at meal times, you want so desperately for your child to eat their vegetables. but turning meals into a battle won't help any one. so we simply give her whatever we are eating and let her get on with it. she doesn't have to eat everything on her plate or eat her something she doesn't want to. she just copies us eating normally and generally gets around to trying everything on her own. we also always give her fruit after a meal, so if she hasn't enjoyed much of what we she was given, I know she won't actually go hungry because she'll have eaten a banana or an orange. if she has eaten her food well then she just gets a much smaller amount of fruit.
4. we give her lots of attention. i am always talking to Tabitha, especially when we are out and about. on the bus or the train we point out interesting things out of the window. she doesn't have to yell and scream to get us to focus on her.
5. i give her chances to try things herself: she puts shampoo on her hair and helps rub it in, she brushes her own teeth (i then "finish them off"), she drinks out of a cup even though i know she might spill. she needs to have a chance to try things for herself.
6. bed time is fun: it involves lots of little games and cuddles and stories and kisses. if she wakes up in the night or is crying straight after we put her in her cot, we give her 5 minutes to settle herself, and if she doesn't calm down, or if she sounds genuinely distressed rather than just tired and grumpy. I go and pick her up and keep everything still quiet and cuddly and sleepy, she gets a drink and a big cuddle. then I will ask her if she's ready for bed yet. half the time now she says yes! if she says no then she gets some more cuddles, before I ask again.
7. we do a count down: if she doesn't want to do something that she needs to do (like getting dressed) she gets a slow count of three before I make her do it. that gives her a chance to choose for herself to co-operate.
8. we do NOT yell. we do NOT smack her. yelling and hitting will just teach her to yell and hit. or make her afraid of us. it won't make her behave well. if she has done something really bad, like biting or hitting, then she gets a time out of about a minute and explained why its not good to do. I stay calm and quiet and serious. I get down to her level rather than standing over her being intimidating.
9. I try to explain why we are doing the things we do. I explain why we are cutting her nails, why we have to wash her hair, why she can't eat sweets all the time, and I keep explaining and repeating myself until it starts to sink in.
10. we try to model the behaviors that we want: we say please and thank you and sorry to each other and to Tabitha. we eat nicely together using the table manners we want her to do. we try things with her so she can see what to do (I don't sit and tell her how she should be coloring in or painting, I just paint or color with her and she copies what I do). we don't use bad language around her (my personal code for that is "would it upset me if she used that word? yes? OK, don't use it around her") we show her how to be kind and gentle and demonstrate how to do those.
11. we try to give her the words she needs to understand her own emotions. "are you feeling cross/sad/frustrated?" and giver her sympathy about them "I know you want sweets, but you can't have any right now, I'm very sorry that its making you sad and cross". its ok to feel negative emotions, its what you do with them that counts.
12. we try to listen to what she says and respond to it whenever we can. if she's asking for a cuddle or a drink or telling us something, we listen to it.

anyway, that is what we do and don't do. of course, every parent and family will find something that works for them. this is just what has worked for us.

(Tabitha decided to color herself in purple...)