The issue of extended breastfeeding is a somewhat controversial one. I have friends who have told me that its disgusting, one who said it was child abuse, and since I had Tabitha at least one friend asked "but you'll stop when she can ask for it right?"
But I never actually made the active decision to do extended breastfeeding. I used to be very firmly in the camp of "its weird when they can talk". but somehow, here I am, still breastfeeding a toddler. and mostly it comes down to pure idleness I have to admit.
My original aim for breastfeeding was to just make it to 6 months. I would have been happy if I achieved that. its the recommended minimum for breastfeeding. and to begin with it was damned hard work, getting the latch right, and then the 8 hour constant feedings, so I basically lived only able to do anything with one hand. I was so often exhausted.
but then once we hit month 6 we'd got into the swing of things and her feeds were getting shorter (babies tummies get bigger so they stay full for longer and they get better at getting the milk out effectively), so we decided to keep going for a year.
after about month 7, once her feeds were heavily supplemented with normal solid food it got easier again, she quickly got more and more interest in proper food and less and less in milk, so she started missing milk feeds as she realized she would get full on potatoes and peas instead. Milk became essentially a snack.
and then we got to a year old...and breastfeeding was just so easy. she only wanted a couple of feeds a day normally. and it was so helpful when she was ill or teething, or having a growth spurt...so with Coyote's full support, I decided to give it another year and then wean.
at least once during that year (when Tabitha was really ill with a cold) her doctor told me that it was good that I was still breastfeeding, because it meant that we didn't need to worry about dehydration so much. and it kept on being a brilliant way of giving her comfort if she was grumpy or over tired or ill. it kept on being something she wanted and something I didn't mind doing.
but I said very firmly that once she got to two then I would wean. of course then very soon after her second birthday she got the hideous norovirus, and then breastfeeding was about the only thing that kept her hydrated, so then I was waiting for her to get completely better from the bug, and she's pretty much down to one feed a day (in the morning, she hates mornings about as much as I do, and seems to need it to wake up)...so now...I don't know. I want to stop some point soon (I would like my body back, thank you very much) but I don't want to upset her badly over it, especially if its needlessly...she still seems to get something out of it. even if its just comfort...so I don't 100% know where to go from here, or if I am going to just go cold turkey soon, or see if she will self wean gradually. it might be easier if Coyote wasn't so completely supportive, but he's happy as long and me and her are.
I also wanted to talk about some issues that people have with extended breastfeeding:
- "Its weird when they can ask for it" I used to think something like this too. but after having Tabitha...she's been "asking" for milk since she was born, to begin with she asked by wriggling her head and crying, then she learned to sign for milk, and now she uses the word "milk" but it never started feeling weird to me.
- "its sexual" yeah. NO. right now to me, its about as sexual as eating a cheese sandwich. its completely mundane. I can get the shock factor of seeing someone else breastfeeding might feel sexual...but that it very much projecting emotions onto me.
- "they are using you for comfort" well...yes. but I am her mother. I give comfort to her all the time. I use hugs and words and kissing it better and the occasional milk feed...its pretty much my job.
- "they won't eat food" you can absolutely keep breastfeeding once they are eating solid food. it doesn't have to be all one or the other. and you really can skip "the formula stage".
- "it will emotionally stunt them, or something!" I highly, highly doubt it. its not a traumatic thing for a child to go through, I'm not preventing her from gaining independence in other ways, she's very unlikely to even remember it, and even if she does remember it...I don't think it'll be any different to her than any other comforting memory.
I think this is the first time I have had to say this on my blog...but be nice. I get that people can feel a bit weird about extended breastfeeding. but if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all!
It's not weird, it is, as you say, completely mundane and people who think it's sexual are the really weird ones. She's only just two. Breastfeeding toddlers is going on all around the world, what's weird is this society we live in thinking it's weird! .
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're doing the right thing for her and hopefully for you too. Well done! Frankly, it's nobody else's business. She's only having one feed a day and she'll stop when she's ready.
Sue x
Breastfeeding is normal and natural. As a society we have been made to see breasts as something intimately connected to sex, but in actual fact their primary function is to nourish our babies. The trouble is that sex sells, so advertisers have been using breasts to sell everything from cars to paint for years. This has meant that breasts are viewed in the light of being sexy. This is not just a man's point of view, as a lot of women have been programmed by their society to see breasts as sexual objects as well, which is why you can often have women unhappy about someone breastfeeding. It's also a reason why some women don't want to breastfeed, which is very sad.
ReplyDeleteThe world health organisation recommends breastfeeding until at least 2, but so few women in our society do that for various reasons. One of the reasons is that breastfeeding is seen as exceptional, rather than the norm, and there is not very much support out there for mums who carry on feeding longer. Also, breastfeeding is often hard to begin with and without having seen our friends / mums / cousins / aunts going through their early struggles, we all have the idea that it should be easy (because that's all we see, people feeding once it's easy) because all the difficulties are worked out behind closed doors in private. It tends to make mums feel like they are failing just because they can't get it all right straight away.
I'm going to get onto your other points now.
1. "Its weird when they can ask for it." This is back to the whole sex thing, I believe. Once they can ask for the breast it's weird, because a young innocent child is asking for something sexual - no they are not, they are asking for food and comfort and protection and love and safety. It's no different from asking for a hug and a chocolate biscuit.
2. "its sexual" I think I've kind of already covered this one.
3. "they are using you for comfort" I've got nothing to say to this one, because I think you have hit the nail very squarely on the head.
4. "they won't eat food" This is just someone spouting off with random manufactured problems because they are uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding. Yes, sometimes breastfed babies want breastmilk rather than a full meal as they get older, but if you are sensible and make meals fun and not stressful, there is no reason why they will not really enjoy eating lots of different things and still breastfeed as well. Why does no-one ever say that bottle feeding will mean they won't eat other food?
5. "it will emotionally stunt them, or something!" This has actually been shown scientifically to be wrong. Giving your baby lots of attention and responding to their needs means that they grow up to be more independent and confident because they have the security of their parent(s) to run back to, so they are more confident about exploring the world. Toddlers are still very young and having that little "me-bubble" of safety to go back to is really important to them. That's not to say that toddlers should always get their own way, that is not good and that will spoil them, eventually, but breastfeeding certainly won't. Once again, the people who say this can't separate sex and breastfeeding, which is a shame.
You should be proud of yourself. Breastfeeding can be a real challenge to begin with and there are lots of people giving you conflicting advice. You did really well to push on through all that and reach the place you are now.
As for stopping, my advice (which you are obviously free to ignore!) is not to set a date or age by which to stop and just carry on until one or other of you decides to stop. It might be gradual or it might be all at once, but while you are both happy with it, just let it carry on. Breastfeeding still gives immune benefits up to 6 years old, because toddlers immune systems are still maturing, so nature is still happy for you to be feeding for as long as you want to.