a special place

a year and 3 months (ish)

My step dad's family owned a house on an island in Scotland. Its such an incredibly special place to me. and I can't stop thinking and dreaming about it.

I first went there when I was 5, maybe 6 years old. and I still remember it clearly. I remember the first look at the house and the gardens and the beach. we went there nearly every year, sometimes more than once a year.

The house in incredible, a Victorian elegantly solid Scottish house...though it was more like a mansion in its size. it had 4 floors including a massive basement. 4 bathrooms and 2 showers. a full size snooker table. a dumb waiter. 2 kitchens. a wine cellar. 2 sitting rooms and a games room. lots of fire places. many MANY bedrooms...I loved all of that house. all it's nooks and crannies. I explored all of it. I loved waking up hearing the sound of soft Scottish rain on the windows and sitting in front of the fires reading books or painting. I loved bringing friends to stay there as well and sitting up late into the night talking and drinking, listening to music...I could never decide which was my favorite room to sleep in. the tower room or the opium den. I loved the baths that you took there, with the water stained by peat. the baths were so deep that you could lie down full length and float...that house is filled with moments i remember. moments the built up over the years, like an overlapping mosaic. i remember being there one really cold Christmas when the power kept going out. i remember making a treasure hunt round the house for Hermione of her birthday presents. i remember role-playing a slasher horror game in the basement by candle light. i remember the mugs of tea and reading book, i remember hours painting...

the house had its own beach and walled garden. The garden was lovely. for being in the cold Scottish north the garden felt tropical with peach trees and roses and artichokes and a sun dial and a stream running through it. my first kiss from my first boyfriend was on a bench in that garden. it grew sweet peas that i would go and pick to nibble on walking up to the house. it had a tea tent that served tea and cake to people visiting the garden (it was open to the public) and it had made the birds in the garden so tame they would take cake crumbs from your fingers...that garden was magical. like something out of a children's book.

and when you walked through the garden and followed the path down, a steep, winding path with many steps and gates (to keep the deer out) you would (if you knew the way) suddenly come upon the beach. like a surprise, like a sudden shock of sunlight after walking through the woods...the beach was silver. silver sand, and the sea shone silver and if you came there at the right time of day the silver beach would run to the silver sea which would merge into the silver sky...the sea water was so clear and kept shallow so you could wade out so so far if you could get used to the cold water...it was a wild beach hemmed by jagged rocks and it was breath takingly beautiful. you could see the mountains of the neighboring islands from the beach and it was home to seals and sea otters and swans that would glide serenely past a shocking contrast to their untamed surroundings...last time i was there i swam naked at night in the sea. it was under a full moon so everything shone. i dived into the silver sea and i was painted in moonlight. and while i was sitting on the beach a sea otter ran past us, close enough to touch...we would have a barbecue on the beach every year, hoping the breeze would be enough to chase the midges away, drinking wine from plastic cups and sitting round a bonfire...

this was such a special place...i dreamed about going to live there. every year we visited i wanted to never leave. it was my place. my magical kingdom.

but...practicality hit. and it had to be sold...

and i'll never get to go there again. and its like a wound to my heart. i keep dreaming about going there, i keep thinking about it...i don't know how to let it go. i miss it so badly. i would have loved for it to be a special place for Tabitha as well, somewhere for her to love and visit too.