So...Tabitha dislocated her arm and i feel really really terrible about it.
It was such a stupid thing. We were at a shopping center and Tabitha tried to make a run for it. so i grabbed her arm, and she threw herself down on the ground as i did it. its something that she does at least 5 times every time we go out (she is slowly learning to stay holding my hand in busy places, but she is both willful and cheeky). so i didn't think much of it. i _know_ i didn't grab her hard, i mainly got her sleeve, and she didn't start crying or anything.
and then we sat down for lunch...and she slowly got more and more upset. we thought that she was just teething or tired...but she was unusually upset, and i noticed there was something odd about how she was using her arm...
in a horrible co-incidence we were actually heading to my doctors straight after lunch, to ask about going back on anti-depressants (moving house is really REALLY stressful). and by the time we got to the doctors it was clear her arm was really hurting her and she was holding it all stiff by her side and not moving it when she walked...and my stomach dropped. I had hurt my daughter. I had hurt her arm. it hurt my heart that I had done that. so much shame and fear and self disgust. I was terrified everyone would think that I had done it on purpose and take her away from me...i ended up crying to the doctors receptionist, because I just didn't know what to do, or say. I couldn't stop crying.
My GP was suddenly faced with not only me crying and explaining how I was having a really hard time and feeling depressed, but we were also asking her to look at Tabitha's arm explaining that I had hurt her...it must have looked so SO bad. but she was really nice and really reassuring and explained it was very common, but we did need to go to A+E to get her checked out. and she tried to put the arm back in place by twisting it, which made Tabitha scream, which upset me more...
At the hospital they were really really nice. I had managed to get myself under control. and Tabitha was much less upset. she only cried when she had to move her arm...we didn't have to wait too long. but she did need a x-ray just to check that nothing was broken (I told Tabitha how it was a magic picture to show her bones) and I had to help hold her arm still so they could do the x-ray, which hurt her even more. but Tabitha was so good and stayed still and cuddled into me.
The doctor then had to try to get the arm back in place, making Tabitha scream again, because the GP hadn't managed it (apparently it is really hard to tell if its worked, you just have to feel it and then see if the child starts using it normally again). but that didn't work. so she had to try again. by this point just the doctor touching her made Tabitha cry...but thank goodness, after that she used her arm properly a couple of times, and the doctor told us to take her home and keep an eye on it to see if she started using her arm again normally, and if she didn't to bring her back in the morning.
the next morning Tabitha was still refusing to use her arm, and she was still crying every time we moved it. so we got ready to go back to the hospital...but 5 minuted before we were going to leave the house Tabitha picked up a ball in her bad hand and threw it down the stairs. she then decided to try to brush her own hair using both arms...and we all breathed a sigh of relief.
since then I have actually had a follow up call from my health visitor. and I know it was to double check my story, to see if it sounded suspicious.
and I still feel horrible about it all. it was just such a stupid little thing to do. I didn't grab her hard. I really didn't! but Coyote wasn't actually looking when it happened. so now I have a horrible voice in my head doubting and telling me maybe I was too rough.
bah. it was just horrible.
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