Tabitha's personality is coming out more and more as time goes on. And what astonishes me is how much she is like me! especially how I was when I was younger. And it is starting making me reconsider the role of genetics in personality. I've always believed that there is a mixture of nature and nurture in how people are, but I've always leaned to the "nurture" side of things...my daughter is somewhat challenging that assumption.
For a start she is a massive tomboy. We've tried to raise her fairly gender neutrally, she gets to play with whatever toys she wants pretty much, duplo, a toy kitchen, teddies, creative stuff...but like me when I was her age she is heavily gravitating to things that are traditionally "boy stuff" she likes swords and dinosaurs and superhero's. If we ask her if she is a princess, she'll say "NO! I'm batman Tabitha". I cannot for the life of me get her into pretty girly clothes, instead she is most happy in jeans and a t-shirt. Which is exactly the same as how I was at that kind of age, and how my mother and grandmother were. I'm really sure I'm not massively encouraging this behaviour, in fact, it might be nice for her to be in a pretty dress occasionally, but nope, she flat out refuses.
She is a bloody minded individualist who doesn't care a fig for social convention...which again is massively how I was and still am. I occasionally go against social convention even when I'm actively trying to fit in! a perfect example of this is school uniform. she's been issued a school jumper, its not compulsory that she wears it, but the vast majority of children at the nursery happily wear it. Not Tabitha. The best I can do is get her to wear it on the way to nursery, and then she immediately wants to take it off. she simply doesn't care about fitting in with the other children. and for her nursery Christmas party I tried to get her into a pretty dress, or a Christmas top. She insisted on wearing her dinosaur costume. The argument of "but this is what other people do" means nothing to her. This actually worries me quite a bit, not caring about fitting in leads to not fitting in even if you want to. and though it has lead me to have a interesting life filled with some great adventures and I've ended up in place with some fabulous and likewise bizarre friends (you know who you are!). the journey to get to this place really hasn't been an easy one, especially in school where fitting in means the difference between having friends and ending up an outcast. I'm hoping her confidence and ability to charm the pants off everyone will bridge the gap and help her be both popular and unafraid of being individualistic. But again this trait is very heavily in my family, my mother was I bet the only school librarian in the country to drive to school on a motorbike, and is now taking trips to darkest India to learn more about fair trade, and my grandmother was a very forceful social worker who proceeded to travel the world (almost literally) when her husband died.
She also has a love of small shiny objects, stones and shells and bits of tinsel, anything that feels nice or looks shiny. Again this is a trait shared by both me and my mother and grandmother. we have all ended up with different magpie collections of one kind or another.
so yeah, in conclusion my daughter is turning into a smaller version of me, and I just really hope she also gets some of Coyote's strong and stable traits to balance out my chaotic madness.
(Tabitha on her way to her nursery Christmas party)
My thoughts on this (stream of consciousness, I'm not very good at being reflective!)
ReplyDeleteIt is a good thing to be an individual and do what she wants. She needs to understand that there are times when we have to conform, even if it's just times like not running out into the middle of the road in front of a car, or not drinking bleach. When my kids when to secondary school I had a discussion with them where they could make the choice to be one of the "cool kids" and essentially conform, but probably not know if their friends where genuine, but they would always fit in (probably). The other option was to be themselves, weirdness and all, and not fit in, but to know that their friends liked them for themselves, not for who they were pretending to be. It would also mean they were being true to themselves and not putting on a mask (or at least, much less of a mask). They all decided to be who they were, not to fit in. If Tabitha ever has problems with it, I suggest that you have a similar discussion with her, explaining the pros and cons. Once she's old enough to notice, she's old enough to have the discussion. Once she can understand that she's made a conscious decision it will be much easier for her. Also, lots of her older friends are weird, so it's hardly surprising. She'll be fine, you are teaching her to learn how to do all that stuff and how to cope. And she knows how loved she is at home, so she always has that to come back to. Don't let the school system stamp the weird out of her <3